To the One’s I Love and Adore

To the One’s I Love and Adore,

The first day of school is quickly approaching. We’re buying backpacks and school supplies this weekend, school clothes and shoes this week and planning hair trims and dinner out together next weekend.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m nervous. I’ve attended 4 nursing school orientations so far and with each orientation my anxiety has increased.  There was the SPC nursing orientation, the BayCare (hospital system I’ll be working in) orientations and the SPC/BayCare combo orientation, and each one promised me that I’ll no longer have a life. They tried to reassure us by handing out reading material titled “Study Tips”, “How To Survive Nursing School”, “Where To Go When You’re Failing” and a  list of numbers to call for support, which only reaffirmed the feelings of anxiousness in every one of us, especially the wives and momma’s out there who already have a full time job. I’m feeling so busy already with all the “to do’s” that are required to maintain the seat (which could apparently be snatched right out from under me if I’m not in top of it) in the program. The business hasn’t even come close to beginning.

But, I want this. I do. I’ve wanted this since I was 12 years old and its finally here. It’s just that I thought I’d never see this day and now that reality has hit, I’m like “Oh crap”, this is a lot of work. I’m ready for the work, but I’m doing the work at a much different time in my life. If you know me well, you know I enjoy time with Doug and the girls, writing, being with friends and family, kayaking, dancing, keeping a clean home, sleeping and long weekends away with Doug. So, things will be different for me. Ok, now you can say, “get over it Lorena and quit being dramatic here, lots of people do it”, but let me vent please,  and as I recall this is MY blog, and I’ll cry if I want to. Besides, I’m already scolding myself in this way, in my thoughts (or else I wouldn’t have written the line previous to this one) . So, I’ll continue….

When I met with one of my 3 professors yesterday, she told the group of 12 of us, who will be with her for the duration of our internship through BayCare, that we’ll need a lot of support. She told us that there will be no time for anything other then school and time with family. She told us that there will be times, many times, that we will feel like giving up and there will be plenty of tears and breakdowns along the way. She said its very hard, especially for those with a husband and kids. Her advice was summed up in 3 words:  you need support! And, if that doesn’t make me feel nervous enough, every current or ex nursing student I know has validated this advice and I’ve heard them say things like ” I had to quit, and I did” and, “many people end up divorced after nursing school” and “you’ll drink A LOT” and “you’ll absolutely never have a life” and “say goodbye to sleep” and much more.

So, to the ones I love and adore, can I be selfish and say, I need your support?  The way you can support me is by understanding when I have to say “no”, or can’t meet for coffee, or can’t attend a get together,  or the many times I’ll be absent because I’m studying or when I call you balling because I feel as though I can’t handle it anymore. . You won’t understand sometimes, and I don’t expect you too. You’ll probably feel as though I don’t care, but I assure you I do care.  I have committed myself to the nursing program for the next 2 years and I will not spend 2 years of my life missing out on things only to end up failing there too, because I was trying to do everything. I can’t do everything and if I’m going to do this, I have to commit and succeed, so its not in vain. This is a season, a season that will pass quickly, hopefully. It’s not the rest of my life, but the hard work and time I put in now will affect the rest of my life.

Doug and the girls will not get as much of my time as they are used to. That’s hard for me to think about, but its reality.  I need to be with them as much as I can when I’m not in school, working on a project, studying, working or doing homework.  I’ll need time with them as much as they’ll need time with me. It will be a huge adjustment for all of us.

In a nutshell, my focus the next 2 years will be : school, Doug, the girls and sleep. I have to maintain my priorities and my sanity.

I know I haven’t been around much lately anyways, so perhaps it will be no different to you. But, know that I love each and every one of you, my family and friends. You have encouraged me along the way towards my dream of becoming a nurse, you have supported me, helped with the girls, and loved me when I haven’t always been there for you. Thank you for that! I want to especially thank Doug for always encouraging me to go after my dream. He is my continual inspiration and such an amazing support to me.

Lastly, I feel grateful, as odd as it may sound, for a place to write. I write this post for myself mainly because its a place to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Is that selfish? Yes, I’m writing to you, but this has been a place where  I can escape and share my feelings, a little haven. Its a place where, through writing, I’ve learned so much about myself. It was here that I first announced that I was going after this goal of becoming an RN, back in 2010, and this goals became reality to me because it forced accountability; an invisible accountability with whomever I thought was on the other end reading. I feel I owe it to this inanimate blog for bridging the gap between my thoughts and reality and for helping me get to where I am today. Writing has also helped remind me of how much I have to be grateful for, especially when I look back through all the memories. Thanks for reading my ramblings. Hmmm, not sure why I used the word “rambling” (even though thats what I’m doing now) because its such a bloggy word.

Anyways, back to what I was saying, I feel so blessed to have such amazing family and friends and such great support!! I truly do.  I only hope you’ll still love me in two years and attend my graduation! xoxo

L

P.S. Sara and Sophie are very supportive and are already planning a career in nursing or as a doctor! I love these two.

Sara and Sophie

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